Tuesday, 16 September 2014

NRL Season Review 2014: Gold Coast Titans

Gold Coast Titans

Like the famous meter maids along the infamous holiday strip they inhabit, the Gold Coast Titans looked good at first but failed to have a lot of substance. Typically of the Gold Coast lifestyle they didn't lack for substance abuse though, with forward Luke Douglas being handed an ASADA suspension. Whether the glass is half full or half empty for 2015 remains to be seen, since Greg Bird broke the glass.

Player Of The Year:  Daniel Mortimer. Got a chance to remind everybody why he fell into irrelevance after his breakout season.

What They Need In 2015: A dietician for Dave Taylor.

Carney Score: 6. A relatively controversy free season for the Titans, they forced all four of their fans to break their booze bans though.

Wednesday, 10 September 2014

NRL Season Review 2014: Canberra Raiders

Canberra Raiders

Canberra legend Ricky Stuart ran from his ordeal at Parramatta to seek the comfort of home. As he tried to recruit somebody to join his side he realised why he left in the first place: nobody wants to live in Canberra.

The Raiders were absolutely terrible at points this year and utterly shit at others. The only consistent part of their season was Sticky having a spat, whether it's at his players, the referees or the fact Canberra have no Origin players.

Player Of The Year: Terry Campese. Managed to crack the Mounties side, who are much more competetive than the first grade team.

What They Need In 2015: Sticky to teach Anthony Milford the art of contract backflips

Carney Score: 8. The Atherton Tigers would've gotten over the Raiders this year.

Monday, 8 September 2014

NRL Season Review: Cronulla Sharks

With another NRL season winding up, it's time for clubs to reflect on the year that has been and look to where they can improve in 2015. MAS is going to conduct a review of each club and have a look inside and out and reveal how high they scored in the Carney Index.

Cronulla Sharks

Some might call 2014 a season to forget for the Sharks, but despite crumbling to the bottom of the NRL ladder, they were actually first in quite a few categories. Not only did they have the most amount of players fired for urinating into their own mouths (one) but they also topped the Drug Suspension chart. For a club that's yet to win a premiership, their dominance in the ASADA Competition is a nice consolation prize. Sadly, they couldn't get the trifecta, with Newcastle topping them in the Players Sent To Jail table.

Player Of The Year: Beau Ryan for getting the fuck out of there.

What They Need in 2015: Some better lawyers.

Carney Score: 11. Cronulla had the highest CI (Carney Index) of any club, getting an 11 out of 10. They were beyond anything Carney could produce. Forget pissing, they were shitting in their own mouths by the end of the season: obviouslly drugged up and physically kind-of impressive, but disgusting to watch.

Friday, 5 September 2014

Sisa Waqa seeks glory in French rugby

Sisa Waqa is making a habit of shocking headlines. After the inital shock to here somebody signing for Canberra, he's created an even bigger stir by the news he is planning to reneg on the deal and take up an offer in France to play Rugby Union.

Coach Ricky Stuart is reportedly not surprised, as he is an expert in ditching contracts that are perceived to be too hard.

The Raiders will now have a bit of room under the salary cap at least as they seek to fill Waqa's vacant spot. Burned by the winger, Stuart will revert back to his winning strategy of only recruiting and playing second rowers.

Hard-hitting redhead Joel Edwards could be promoted to the wing in 2015 unless Stuart can get his hands on one of the other back rowers he has his eyes on, with Cameron Ciraldo, Clint Newton and Cory Paterson all on his wish-list of "hopeless backrower" to fill his quota with.

When pressed on why he decided to flee to France, Sisa was very clear on what made him leave. "I'm an ambitous guy. I want to win another premiership in rugby league, and I feel like playing French rugby union gives me a better chance of that than playing for the Raiders".

Wednesday, 3 September 2014

EPL Clubs Off To See The Wizard

At the close of the transfer window, many clubs in the Barclays Premier League have turned to an unlikely source of inspiration: The Wizard of Oz.

Louis Van Gaal, Arsene Wenger and a host of other coaches have hopped onto the Yellow Brick M1 to go and visit the Wizard in hopes of getting what they need.

Van Gaal is in reportedly in search of a heart for his defence. Manchester United's side looks very pretty now with the addition of Radamel Falcao and Angel Di Maria, but they still lack the power where it counts.

Wenger is hoping he can find a brain on the trip. Despite the obvious issue of a lack of quality strikers, Wenger left it until the final day of the transfer window to secure one: Manchester United's Danny Welbeck. A handy player, he's hardly an answer to the prayers of Gunners fans. Arsene is also after a mythical pair of shoes which will take him home, since Arsenal haven't managed to get a win away thus far.

Alan Pardew is also after a pair of shoes. They don't have to be the famous pair that Wenger is after, just any kind that can score a goal. He's also hoping he'll find a bit of courage as it looks like it's going to be a long season for Newcastle.

Monday, 1 September 2014

Darren Lockyer to return for Broncos finals campaign

The last time the Brisbane Broncos won the premiership way back in 2006, Justin Hodges was playing fullback. That's a little known fact that hasn't been gaining much traction through the rugby league media, but it's a supremely important one nonetheless.

Coach "Hook(ed for Benny)" Griffin has noticed this correlation and used it to bring together the biggest move of his coaching career: the return of Darren Lockyer.

"I was on NRL.com looking for coaching opportunities, fingers crossed Potts gets the axe, when I came across the team sheet for the 2006 Grand Final. Funnily enough Justin Hodges was playing fullback in that game which is the last time we won a premiership, but Darren Lockyer was also playing five-eighth"

From there it was as simple as a phone call to the legendary Queenslander, who responded enthusiastically. "When Hook explained the rationale of bringing me back, I just couldn't refuse. Apparently Justin Hodges was playing fullback the last time the Broncos won the premiership which was a shock to me. He said they'd been winning games ever since that switch and figured out that having the same players as the 2006 Premiership was a winning formula"

With that simple phone call, Locky is set to do an Alfie Langer and return for an embattled north of the border side.

Talks with halfback Shane Perry and  interchange forward Dane Carlaw haven't been as fruitful as of yet, but "Hook (Me Up With A Job)" Griffin is confident Hodges and Lockyer will be a winning combination. After all, the last time the Brisbane Broncos won the premiership Justin Hodges was playing fullback.

Saturday, 16 August 2014

A comprehensive guide on who to support in the EPL

It's time for a new season of football in the Barclays Premier League and with a new season comes a new wave of rusted on Manchester United supporters and banter. So none are left out, Mad At Sport has compiled a comprehensive guide on who you should support in the EPL this season.

Arsenal - Arsenal haven't won the league since 2003/04, but they have a good side and really, they're due. If you jump on them this season you'll be able to say "I supported them before they won the title!" which is always a great line for new fans when they are put under pressure.

Chelsea - Diego Costa and Cesc Fabregas are going to give you the class up front you need to take the title is what you'll need to tell your pals if you want to support Chelsea. Truth be told, Chelsea are unabashed about splashing cash, so if you're interested in high profile signings with low profile performances, Chelsea is a perfect fit.

Liverpool - They're the team that sing "You'll Never Walk Alone". They've had 18 first division titles but none since before you were born, so they have a good balance between success but not recent success, so you can slip into the fold and use the Arsenal defence to proclaim your super fandom, fighting beyond the struggles of second place in 13/14. Luis Suarez doesn't play there any more, so remember to get Gerrard on the back of your jersey.

Manchester City - City are the reigning champions so some might be shy about jumping on at the risk of being labelled "bandwagon" supporters. The kind of people who would consider supporting City won't be bothered by that though.

Manchester United - There's big expectations this season with a new coach and a host of young fans who were promised glory, but rewarded with seventh. Dutch coach Louis Van Gaal has been brought over to restore United to tbe go-to team for fans who want to say they support a team, but not to actually watch them play.

Everton, Newcastle, Tottenham, Aston Villa, Stoke, Sunderland - Consistently in the top league, but inconsistently successful. A good fit for pretentious people who care about winning, but want to pretend they don't.

West Bromich Albion, Swansea, Burnley, Crystal Palace, Hull City, Leicester City, Queens Park Rangers, Southampton - Through our extensive social media research, these teams don't have supporters. Avoid at all costs, as they may not finish in the top four even or top league every season, which is a must for new fans.

West Ham United - You've probably heard of them because of the movie their side was featured in, which when you consider the reasons people will be supporting teams this season, is as good a reason as any.