Friday, 25 July 2014

Ray Rice's rage revealed

Many fans and pundits were incredulous when the hammer came down and it was decided that Ray Rice would serve a two game suspension for beating his wife. They simply couldn't believe that Rice would do such a thing, nor could they fathom why he received such a harsh punishment.

We can exclusively reveal what led to Ray Rice's fury. His wife revealed to him she planned to smoke the drug marijawana (street names: pot, green, the weed) that evening. Rice couldn't believe she would consume such a dangerous drug and flew into a rage.

"I could never hit her as hard as that joint would have", Ray told us candidly. When we asked if he considered himself a hero, he replied, "I'm no hero, just a man who loves his wife".

The NFL suspended Cleveland Browns wide receiver Josh Gordon for smoking "the weed" for an entire year, showing just how focused they are on cleaning up the games image. When they found out Mrs. Rice was intending to smoke marijawana, they had to act, suspending her husband for having such poor judgment in spouse.

The NFL released a statement late this afternoon regarding the incident. "While no man should ever hit his wife, sometimes its needed. In this situation, Mr. Rice had no choice. We came down hard on Mr. Rice as we believe a message needed to be sent: hitting your wife is OK, as long as you don't smoke any marijawana".

Thursday, 24 July 2014

Commonwealth Games outrage reaches fever pitch

Last night, the Glasgow Commonwealth Games opening ceremony took place. The Queen was even in attendance, taking a break from her busy schedule of being elderly. Even the reclusive Loch Ness Monster accepted an invitation to the event.

Sports fans around the world are furious at the double standard: upper class celebrities like the Queen and Nessie were welcomed into the fold, but the rest of the world weren't informed at all.

"The Commonwealth Games is on?", asked one British fan who wished to remain anonymous, "is that thing still going?"

"I'm looking forward to the Games", said Indian fan James, "it's only a few months away now, isn't it?"

"I love international sport, I can't believe nobody told me. This is deeply upsetting", said Australian Prime Minister and noted triathlete Tony Abbott.

Glasgow defended their secretive operations by claiming, "we did all that we could, but Ian Thorpe coming out was dominating the headlines. We just can't compete with an announcment from an Olympian."

The biggest star at the games, Usain Bolt, was asked if he rated his competition in the 4x100m relay. "It's a tough field, it always is. The USA will give us a run for our money, it's a two horse race every time".

With Scotland building up to a referendum on Independence, the Commonwealth Games could soon go the way of the Ashes - Australia destroying England with a few appearances by Indians, Zimbabweans, South Africans and New Zealanders.

Tuesday, 1 July 2014

Cronulla Sharks moving closer to home

After decades of sustained mediocrity, the Cronulla Sharks have decided it would be best to relocate to their ancestral home, the ocean. The Sharks are a sinking ship, with their head coach Peter Sharp being dropped in favour of a new head submarine to suit their new terrain. The drama surrounding Todd Carney was nothing but a massive misunderstanding - when you're sinking as low as the Sharks are, you're going to be swimming in piss anyway.

The relocation of the side has been approved by the NSW Government, who hope to turn Shark Park into Shark Marine Park, for future generations to marvel at the aquatic men. "Blake Ayshford, the man with no shoulders and Anthony Tupou with flippers for hands will be major attractions", announced CEO Steve Noyce. "We've also held talks with Luis Suarez to add the man-eating Shark to our roster".

When the NRL were asked their opinion, they were very positive. "It's good to see the Sharks taking some initiative. They've been sinking for a long time. Perhaps under the sea they'll be able to hide from ASADA".

Wednesday, 25 June 2014

World Cup Wrap - Days 8-12

Luis Suarez took the idea of being 'hungry for a victory' a little too far. Some argue he was hungry for some goals, but that can't be right since he was biting an Italian.

England finished bottom of their group, fans said to be delighted by their sides consistency.

Spain and Italy were sent back to the Mediterranean, failing to make it out of their respective groups. The two teams found solace in the fact this will give them a chance to focus on their diving for the 2016 Olympics.

Australia were happy with their performance in the tournament despite not getting a point, Ange Postecoglou said repeatedly losing was good preperation for the Asian Cup.

Friday, 20 June 2014

World Cup Wrap - Days 4, 5, 6 and 7

Pepe was suspended for his altercation with German opponent Thomas Mueller, bending over too quickly to check on him and making head-to-head contact. Some believed it was because the referee believed it to be a headbutt, but the real reason was revealed to be Pepe has nits. "He needs to learn to play nicely with the other children", said Pepe's father.

Once again we sought out Mario Balotelli for an interview. His only response was, "Why always me?".

Australia fell to the Netherlands 3-2. Tim Cahill scored one of the best goals of the tournament, but will sadly miss Australia's final group game, leaving that as not only Australia's best shot of the Cup but likely their last.

To the surprise of many, Spain stumbled once again and will not make it out of their group. To the surprise of none, England did the same.

Sunday, 15 June 2014

World Cup Wrap - Days 1, 2 and 3

FIFA showed that the World Cup can rival the Olympics as the biggest multi-sport event on the planet with not only a good game of soccer to open the tournament but also a diving exhibition from the Brazilians.

After witnessing the 5-1 demolition of Spain by the Netherlands, Australia will be going into their match-up wearing brown shorts rather than the traditional yellow or green.

Mad At Sport requested an interview with Mario Balotelli before his sides opener against England, but he politely declined.

Question marks over Englands attack were raised after a 2-1 loss to Italy in their first match. Pressure is building to send an SOS to prolific striker Emile Heskey, but he hasn't received the call-up as yet.

Wednesday, 11 June 2014

Laurie Daley finally becomes a true Blue

After a surprisingly conservative team selection in Origin I, Laurie Daley finally showed his credentials as a New South Wales coach with the decision to bring back Josh Dugan at right centre.

"Despite the eight consecutive defeats, New South Wales have always been able to pride themselves on being creative in defeat. That's something my predecessors had and something Bob Fulton has really been pushing for me to bring to the table. We saw the opportunity to not replace a centre and a winger with a centre and a winger as the perfect opportunity", explained Laurie Daley.

From generally hopeless players like Jason King and Steve Turner to unique positional failures like a captain on the bench, strange selections have been a long standing part of New South Wales tradition.

"One good club game is plenty to crack the New South Wales team and succeed, as evidenced by Peter Wallace, Jarrod Mullen, Ben Creagh, Dean Young, I could list examples all day", said selector Bob Fulton.

"That Cronulla side he scored three tries against had some of the best players the NSW Cup has to offer. It's safe to say he's been a revelation for us", announced St. George Illawarra Dragons and NSW Assistant Paul McGregor, who was taught everything he knows by Steve Price.

"We think Jarryd Hayne is the best option at fullback, that's where we think he plays best and there's where we want him for the Blues. He was man of the match in Game One and he just can't have that impact if he isn't in the number one", added Daley. "Which is partially why we've picked Duges at centre, so we can shift Hayne there if Queensland somehow exploit Joshy in defence".

Try scoring machine Darius Boyd has reportedly been practicing his patented routine of running over the try line untouched day and night in an effort to deal with the new pairing. "It's important to do the extras even when you don't think you need too," said the Newcastle fullback, "getting tackled really isn't part of my game, so I've got to practice avoiding it all costs."