Saturday, 16 August 2014

A comprehensive guide on who to support in the EPL

It's time for a new season of football in the Barclays Premier League and with a new season comes a new wave of rusted on Manchester United supporters and banter. So none are left out, Mad At Sport has compiled a comprehensive guide on who you should support in the EPL this season.

Arsenal - Arsenal haven't won the league since 2003/04, but they have a good side and really, they're due. If you jump on them this season you'll be able to say "I supported them before they won the title!" which is always a great line for new fans when they are put under pressure.

Chelsea - Diego Costa and Cesc Fabregas are going to give you the class up front you need to take the title is what you'll need to tell your pals if you want to support Chelsea. Truth be told, Chelsea are unabashed about splashing cash, so if you're interested in high profile signings with low profile performances, Chelsea is a perfect fit.

Liverpool - They're the team that sing "You'll Never Walk Alone". They've had 18 first division titles but none since before you were born, so they have a good balance between success but not recent success, so you can slip into the fold and use the Arsenal defence to proclaim your super fandom, fighting beyond the struggles of second place in 13/14. Luis Suarez doesn't play there any more, so remember to get Gerrard on the back of your jersey.

Manchester City - City are the reigning champions so some might be shy about jumping on at the risk of being labelled "bandwagon" supporters. The kind of people who would consider supporting City won't be bothered by that though.

Manchester United - There's big expectations this season with a new coach and a host of young fans who were promised glory, but rewarded with seventh. Dutch coach Louis Van Gaal has been brought over to restore United to tbe go-to team for fans who want to say they support a team, but not to actually watch them play.

Everton, Newcastle, Tottenham, Aston Villa, Stoke, Sunderland - Consistently in the top league, but inconsistently successful. A good fit for pretentious people who care about winning, but want to pretend they don't.

West Bromich Albion, Swansea, Burnley, Crystal Palace, Hull City, Leicester City, Queens Park Rangers, Southampton - Through our extensive social media research, these teams don't have supporters. Avoid at all costs, as they may not finish in the top four even or top league every season, which is a must for new fans.

West Ham United - You've probably heard of them because of the movie their side was featured in, which when you consider the reasons people will be supporting teams this season, is as good a reason as any.

Monday, 11 August 2014

Rugby league reaches into reality television

Mad At Sport can exclusively reveal that the NRL is branching out into the domain of reality television.

"It's very exciting", said NRL kingpin Dave Smith when he announced the plan to us. "Our News Limited overlords were desperate for more rugby league drama and we were more than happy to oblige".

The show will be based in Canberra, who are reportedly over the moon to have attracted something to their club. Clinging to the dying cooking show craze, the show will star Canberra legend and current coach Ricky Stuart and be called "101 Ways To Cook With Your Wooden Spoons". The show will have recipes were the only utensils you require are three wooden spoons.

"We'll be happy if we can get through one episode, then we'll build on that in 2015", said star Ricky Stuart.

Plenty of rugby league stars are onboard to showcase their culinary prowess with Ricky's spoons. Wayne Bennett stops by to show us his Newcastle Crumble, Cameron Smith and the boys from the Storm prepare some delicious chicken wings, and Gorden Tallis lets everybody know exactly how you make a Tiger Stew.


Friday, 25 July 2014

Ray Rice's rage revealed

Many fans and pundits were incredulous when the hammer came down and it was decided that Ray Rice would serve a two game suspension for beating his wife. They simply couldn't believe that Rice would do such a thing, nor could they fathom why he received such a harsh punishment.

We can exclusively reveal what led to Ray Rice's fury. His wife revealed to him she planned to smoke the drug marijawana (street names: pot, green, the weed) that evening. Rice couldn't believe she would consume such a dangerous drug and flew into a rage.

"I could never hit her as hard as that joint would have", Ray told us candidly. When we asked if he considered himself a hero, he replied, "I'm no hero, just a man who loves his wife".

The NFL suspended Cleveland Browns wide receiver Josh Gordon for smoking "the weed" for an entire year, showing just how focused they are on cleaning up the games image. When they found out Mrs. Rice was intending to smoke marijawana, they had to act, suspending her husband for having such poor judgment in spouse.

The NFL released a statement late this afternoon regarding the incident. "While no man should ever hit his wife, sometimes its needed. In this situation, Mr. Rice had no choice. We came down hard on Mr. Rice as we believe a message needed to be sent: hitting your wife is OK, as long as you don't smoke any marijawana".

Thursday, 24 July 2014

Commonwealth Games outrage reaches fever pitch

Last night, the Glasgow Commonwealth Games opening ceremony took place. The Queen was even in attendance, taking a break from her busy schedule of being elderly. Even the reclusive Loch Ness Monster accepted an invitation to the event.

Sports fans around the world are furious at the double standard: upper class celebrities like the Queen and Nessie were welcomed into the fold, but the rest of the world weren't informed at all.

"The Commonwealth Games is on?", asked one British fan who wished to remain anonymous, "is that thing still going?"

"I'm looking forward to the Games", said Indian fan James, "it's only a few months away now, isn't it?"

"I love international sport, I can't believe nobody told me. This is deeply upsetting", said Australian Prime Minister and noted triathlete Tony Abbott.

Glasgow defended their secretive operations by claiming, "we did all that we could, but Ian Thorpe coming out was dominating the headlines. We just can't compete with an announcment from an Olympian."

The biggest star at the games, Usain Bolt, was asked if he rated his competition in the 4x100m relay. "It's a tough field, it always is. The USA will give us a run for our money, it's a two horse race every time".

With Scotland building up to a referendum on Independence, the Commonwealth Games could soon go the way of the Ashes - Australia destroying England with a few appearances by Indians, Zimbabweans, South Africans and New Zealanders.

Tuesday, 1 July 2014

Cronulla Sharks moving closer to home

After decades of sustained mediocrity, the Cronulla Sharks have decided it would be best to relocate to their ancestral home, the ocean. The Sharks are a sinking ship, with their head coach Peter Sharp being dropped in favour of a new head submarine to suit their new terrain. The drama surrounding Todd Carney was nothing but a massive misunderstanding - when you're sinking as low as the Sharks are, you're going to be swimming in piss anyway.

The relocation of the side has been approved by the NSW Government, who hope to turn Shark Park into Shark Marine Park, for future generations to marvel at the aquatic men. "Blake Ayshford, the man with no shoulders and Anthony Tupou with flippers for hands will be major attractions", announced CEO Steve Noyce. "We've also held talks with Luis Suarez to add the man-eating Shark to our roster".

When the NRL were asked their opinion, they were very positive. "It's good to see the Sharks taking some initiative. They've been sinking for a long time. Perhaps under the sea they'll be able to hide from ASADA".

Wednesday, 25 June 2014

World Cup Wrap - Days 8-12

Luis Suarez took the idea of being 'hungry for a victory' a little too far. Some argue he was hungry for some goals, but that can't be right since he was biting an Italian.

England finished bottom of their group, fans said to be delighted by their sides consistency.

Spain and Italy were sent back to the Mediterranean, failing to make it out of their respective groups. The two teams found solace in the fact this will give them a chance to focus on their diving for the 2016 Olympics.

Australia were happy with their performance in the tournament despite not getting a point, Ange Postecoglou said repeatedly losing was good preperation for the Asian Cup.

Friday, 20 June 2014

World Cup Wrap - Days 4, 5, 6 and 7

Pepe was suspended for his altercation with German opponent Thomas Mueller, bending over too quickly to check on him and making head-to-head contact. Some believed it was because the referee believed it to be a headbutt, but the real reason was revealed to be Pepe has nits. "He needs to learn to play nicely with the other children", said Pepe's father.

Once again we sought out Mario Balotelli for an interview. His only response was, "Why always me?".

Australia fell to the Netherlands 3-2. Tim Cahill scored one of the best goals of the tournament, but will sadly miss Australia's final group game, leaving that as not only Australia's best shot of the Cup but likely their last.

To the surprise of many, Spain stumbled once again and will not make it out of their group. To the surprise of none, England did the same.