Thursday, 25 September 2014

Fans disgusted with "unrealistic" FIFA 15

The high expectations for the latest installment of the FIFA franchise have unfortunately not been met. Fans bought the game with exctiement on their lips, "more realistic grass technology", "revamped sweat matrix" and "unique gaits" were some of the key new features gamers were looking forward too. Somehow, year after year EA just keep finding new ways to sell a game without new gameplay.

This year however, fans have reacted with disgust at the release. One long time player, whose mother decided would have his name withheld, told us, "the game is f**ked. There's no way I kicked it in that direction".

With brand new controllers and consoles, EA no longer have any excuses for the awful malfunctions in their game. Shots that were much weaker than planned, passes that the players never directed and headers that were totally going top corner but sailed over the top are as bad as ever.

It's not just a complete disconnect between controller and game. The statistics themselves are way off. Alex, a young Real Madrid fan, shared an empassioned tumblr post about exactly why his favourite player, Christiano Ronaldo, should be higher than Messi. It was met with a mixed reaction - some agreed, while others defended Lionel. "I've never seen him play", read one such comment, "but I've been a Barcelona supporter since FIFA 12 and he's always been better".

EA have refused to comment on the unsavoury reaction.

Tuesday, 23 September 2014

NRL Season Review 2014: Wests Tigers

Wests Tigers
Even though Benji Marshall was long gone, the Tigers penchant for crumbling with creativity continued to flourish. Touted as premiership contenders in the early rounds, the cubs of Leichhardt had learned to talk but not to walk, stumbling to a disappointing 13th placed finish. The axe fell on Mick Potter after a long swing, with the fractured board finally agreeing with their club captain Robbie Farah that he just couldn't fucking coach.
Player Of The Year: Robbie Farah. Admittedly a pussy cat on the field, but fierce in his feud with Gorden Tallis.

What They Need in 2015: One more year from Braith Anasta.
Carney Score: 7. The drama around Potter, the board and Tallis v Farah would get any club kicked out of Goulborn.

Tuesday, 16 September 2014

NRL Season Review 2014: Gold Coast Titans

Gold Coast Titans

Like the famous meter maids along the infamous holiday strip they inhabit, the Gold Coast Titans looked good at first but failed to have a lot of substance. Typically of the Gold Coast lifestyle they didn't lack for substance abuse though, with forward Luke Douglas being handed an ASADA suspension. Whether the glass is half full or half empty for 2015 remains to be seen, since Greg Bird broke the glass.

Player Of The Year:  Daniel Mortimer. Got a chance to remind everybody why he fell into irrelevance after his breakout season.

What They Need In 2015: A dietician for Dave Taylor.

Carney Score: 6. A relatively controversy free season for the Titans, they forced all four of their fans to break their booze bans though.

Wednesday, 10 September 2014

NRL Season Review 2014: Canberra Raiders

Canberra Raiders

Canberra legend Ricky Stuart ran from his ordeal at Parramatta to seek the comfort of home. As he tried to recruit somebody to join his side he realised why he left in the first place: nobody wants to live in Canberra.

The Raiders were absolutely terrible at points this year and utterly shit at others. The only consistent part of their season was Sticky having a spat, whether it's at his players, the referees or the fact Canberra have no Origin players.

Player Of The Year: Terry Campese. Managed to crack the Mounties side, who are much more competetive than the first grade team.

What They Need In 2015: Sticky to teach Anthony Milford the art of contract backflips

Carney Score: 8. The Atherton Tigers would've gotten over the Raiders this year.

Monday, 8 September 2014

NRL Season Review: Cronulla Sharks

With another NRL season winding up, it's time for clubs to reflect on the year that has been and look to where they can improve in 2015. MAS is going to conduct a review of each club and have a look inside and out and reveal how high they scored in the Carney Index.

Cronulla Sharks

Some might call 2014 a season to forget for the Sharks, but despite crumbling to the bottom of the NRL ladder, they were actually first in quite a few categories. Not only did they have the most amount of players fired for urinating into their own mouths (one) but they also topped the Drug Suspension chart. For a club that's yet to win a premiership, their dominance in the ASADA Competition is a nice consolation prize. Sadly, they couldn't get the trifecta, with Newcastle topping them in the Players Sent To Jail table.

Player Of The Year: Beau Ryan for getting the fuck out of there.

What They Need in 2015: Some better lawyers.

Carney Score: 11. Cronulla had the highest CI (Carney Index) of any club, getting an 11 out of 10. They were beyond anything Carney could produce. Forget pissing, they were shitting in their own mouths by the end of the season: obviouslly drugged up and physically kind-of impressive, but disgusting to watch.

Friday, 5 September 2014

Sisa Waqa seeks glory in French rugby

Sisa Waqa is making a habit of shocking headlines. After the inital shock to here somebody signing for Canberra, he's created an even bigger stir by the news he is planning to reneg on the deal and take up an offer in France to play Rugby Union.

Coach Ricky Stuart is reportedly not surprised, as he is an expert in ditching contracts that are perceived to be too hard.

The Raiders will now have a bit of room under the salary cap at least as they seek to fill Waqa's vacant spot. Burned by the winger, Stuart will revert back to his winning strategy of only recruiting and playing second rowers.

Hard-hitting redhead Joel Edwards could be promoted to the wing in 2015 unless Stuart can get his hands on one of the other back rowers he has his eyes on, with Cameron Ciraldo, Clint Newton and Cory Paterson all on his wish-list of "hopeless backrower" to fill his quota with.

When pressed on why he decided to flee to France, Sisa was very clear on what made him leave. "I'm an ambitous guy. I want to win another premiership in rugby league, and I feel like playing French rugby union gives me a better chance of that than playing for the Raiders".

Wednesday, 3 September 2014

EPL Clubs Off To See The Wizard

At the close of the transfer window, many clubs in the Barclays Premier League have turned to an unlikely source of inspiration: The Wizard of Oz.

Louis Van Gaal, Arsene Wenger and a host of other coaches have hopped onto the Yellow Brick M1 to go and visit the Wizard in hopes of getting what they need.

Van Gaal is in reportedly in search of a heart for his defence. Manchester United's side looks very pretty now with the addition of Radamel Falcao and Angel Di Maria, but they still lack the power where it counts.

Wenger is hoping he can find a brain on the trip. Despite the obvious issue of a lack of quality strikers, Wenger left it until the final day of the transfer window to secure one: Manchester United's Danny Welbeck. A handy player, he's hardly an answer to the prayers of Gunners fans. Arsene is also after a mythical pair of shoes which will take him home, since Arsenal haven't managed to get a win away thus far.

Alan Pardew is also after a pair of shoes. They don't have to be the famous pair that Wenger is after, just any kind that can score a goal. He's also hoping he'll find a bit of courage as it looks like it's going to be a long season for Newcastle.